late night ramblings of a woman who should be in bed

I went to Target because we were out of a couple of crucial items. Upon my departure I bribed the kids to pick up the stuff on the kitchen floor that they had dumped and messed earlier. I love that a box of fruit snacks is like gold to them, it makes for cheap treasures!
When I got home I saw a gray cat in our front yard. I slowly got out of the car but the cat still ran and jumped our fence. I walked in the front door and asked if all the cats were in. No one knew. I grabbed my flashlight and headed to the backyard. The cat had jumped the fence on the side where Jim’s shed is so I headed that way, scanning the yard with my little light. As I got closer I started calling Grizzy’s name. Something crashed, but the shed takes up the whole side yard so it’s not easy to get to the front. I called Grizzy’s name again and sure enough she came running and meowing right into my arms! (God please don’t let her get pregnant!!) Maybe I will be able to call this next week to get her in to the low-cost spay/neuter clinic. It’s about $40 and we have two cats that need spayed, so that’s $80 (maybe I should’ve been a math major, lol!!) but that’s $80 we don’t have. We have been living on a wing and a prayer, as they say. I thought we’d been broke and poor before…HA!! This beats all! I know we are in “transition” but for goodness sake how long does “transition” last?? How long until the resentment kicks in from those loved ones who have been making our ends meet? We have to say no to everything extra, even some that seem to be the basics.

My parents gave me a fresh fruit basket for Valentines Day and everybody else got candy. The reason was not because they thought I shouldn’t have candy but because when my mom asked me what I wanted I said fresh fruit. We rarely have it. Well, my kids, especially the younger two, were more interested in my gift than their candy. They asked me for a grape and soon there were none, the plums were gone, the bananas….only a couple of apples and a pear remain. It makes me sad and mad at the same time. How much do we take for granted? I surely never thought when asked what I wanted for Valentines, I would really want fruit??? I wanted fruit. And God provided. He used my mom & dad to meet that need. Yes, I consider it a need not just a want.

Our toilet broke….another story…..but we couldn’t go out and buy another one. We couldn’t even just replace the bottom part which is something like $25!! We just all used the back toilet that the cats had taken over as their personal drinking fountain. And God provided. A friend of Jim’s who works in some sort of construction, came across one, an expensive one that a guy changed out….not because it was broken or gross either, and we got it for free. God provided. I consider a toilet…even a second toilet….in a house of 6 a need.

Those are just two stories from this week. Many more have occurred. Some I may not of recognized God’s mighty hand in. I’ve been playing the bitter, angry and depressed child. I’ve been down in my pit only able to see my walls of dirt, too depressed to even throw myself a pity party! Sad, I know, pathetic even. I don’t feel I have what it takes to change anything. That frustrates me. I have added gray hairs to my head just waiting for things to change. The only thing I can do is change my attitude….and that ain’t been easy. In fact it still sucks. I don’t wait well. So I yell at the sky, Am I supposed to learn to wait? Is that why I’m doing nothing but waiting?? If I learn to wait will everything fall back in to place? I’ve been waiting so long I’ve forgotten what I’m waiting for!!

What I do know is that money is more important than I feel like I’m supposed to think it is. (make sense?) Money is needed for everything. Money is what the preachers always say they don’t like to talk about and yet they do….and they do for weeks at a time. How much you should give, when, why, where, to whom…what you should do with your money, money is the root of all evil…..no the love of money is the root of all evil…money money money.
It’s easy for those who have it to tell others what they should do with theirs. Everywhere I go I am bombarded with fund raisers and mission letters. Please help so and so go here and there. There’s nothing wrong with them I’m just frustrated that I can’t do anything about them. I have nothing to give.

On Oprah, the lady (?) said there is always money. She hasn’t been to our checkbook.
Unemployment checks didn’t come. Money from jobs not coming in. Bills pouring in. 6 months behind. Barely staying above water, choking on it often. Feel a leg cramp coming on.
Still waiting for Contractor’s license to come. Many things dependant on that license number.
Recipients of food baskets. Sick of beans and macaroni. Still have to afford milk and bread. Occasional apples.
This is my sob story. Does that mean a son of a bitch story? Cuz it is!
I splurged and bought two boxes of fruit snacks tonight at Target. I figured we don’t have enough money to pay the bills, what’s $3 to bribe my kids. Actually $3 is a gallon of milk (almost) or a loaf of bread (of which we go through one a day (almost)
Thank God for free lunches at school. I think I can actually Thank God for medi-cal too. If it weren’t for medi-cal, my kids would be uninsured like me and Jim.

This has been hard socially as well as emotionally. I have isolated myself. Especially from my church friends, whom I miss, but with them come others. Others who seem to like to put their feet in their mouths. I just can’t be around all the seemingly fake Praise You Jesus every 2 minutes. Nor do I want their opinions and stories of when they went through the exact same thing and how they had to let their Nanny and housekeeper go! I can’t afford to go to lunch or get a baby sitter or go to the movies. I can’t afford to go to Starbucks. I don’t want everyone to know we have no money. I am embarrassed. I don’t want people to feel like they have to pay for me for anything. I don’t want them to resent me. I choose to stay away rather than risk some form of rejection. Not being invited or included, because they know I have no money and they are doing things that require some money. What do I have to offer? I am at place I am neither comfortable with nor wish to leave. I just go through the motions of life and who I am slowly fades into the mundane .

Of course I speak in general and of many things all in one, I am my own worst critic. I have been told I am very hard on myself. It’s true.
I fear the unknown and yet it drives me at the same time. I have received many questionnaires in the last few months…through myspace, and e-mails. One of the questions that has appeared on many of them is, “What are you afraid of?” I think that my biggest fear is finally being myself, who I was created to be and having that person…ME….be rejected in some way. I take risks daily of being rejected by people in my path but to risk rejection with the ones you love and care about is almost haulting. It is almost better to live distant, believing what I want than knowing for sure what others think and feel about me…whether they like me or want to know me.

I'm tired and have left many of my thoughts incomplete. Maybe I will finish them later, or maybe I will just let them go.
I probably shouldn't blog in the middle of the night when I've been stressed out and fighting a losing battle with a nasty cold....I am a natural rambler but under these other circumstances it's obviously a lot worse! So please don't read anything into this, don't put your name in because chances are if you are reading my blog, you aren't one of "those" people in my life.

By the way, the spell check isn't working and I am too tired to check myself...sorry.